I haven’t talked about it in a while because, frankly? I stopped caring. Mostly because the scale got stuck for a while. Mostly because I didn’t like what the desire to lose weight was doing to me.
I got sick of looking at foods in terms of calories, in terms of good or bad. I got sick of not being able to enjoy my food because I was afraid I would eat too much, or sometimes even too little. I saw it becoming a slippery slope. I saw my love of food diminishing. I saw the joy I get from creating meals slip away, slowly. Cooking is my hobby, it’s my passion. I cook a lot of wholesome and nutritious meals but at the same time I just can’t say no to butter, cheese, bacon and cream. Can’t. Won’t.
I realized my desire to lose weight took over the joy I felt in the kitchen. The joy I felt sitting down to enjoy dinner with my family. I decided to stop measuring my food and counting my calories. I didn’t know what that would mean for my weight, but I just knew I couldn’t handle the stress food was bringing me. Stress, because of food? Wtf?
That’s not me. It’s not who I am. Food brings me joy, pleasure, nourishment. Not stress.
I began to remember the days when I would eat because I was hungry and stop eating because I was full. I remembered when I didn’t view food as good or bad. When I didn’t eat something because of what I had left in terms of calorie goals for the day. When I wouldn’t ignore my stomach when it was hungry.
I want to listen to my body again. I want to listen to my stomach and eat when I’m hungry, and stop when I’m full. So I’m working on it, and I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. I first started doing this back in August and I gained 7 pounds the first 2 months but the good news is that I haven’t gained anything since then.
I actually made it through the holidays without any weight gain, which is huge. I listened to my body and ate when I was hungry and most of the time stopped when I was full. I did that even despite of not having any time to work out until this week.
So that’s pretty much where I am in terms of getting fit. I’m reconnecting with my body and enjoying food again. This is a journey and if it’s a slow one, that’s okay. I know I will get better at listening to my body. I know the learning period might be a long one but I just know I don’t ever want to count a single calorie ever again.
I totally hear you on this. I love food, and worry that sometimes I take the joy away from it for me (and sometimes my boyfriend) by being too obsessive about what I put into it. I’m working on it though.